Invest your cash NOW!

Hey, you!

Yeh, YOU!

...

You wanna buy a house?

Heh, have I got a sweeeeeet deal for yous!

Yes, I do!

Because, !!!breaking news!!!, some are being built right outside my apartment right here in mega-trendy-glitzy-wow-wow Kita-ward Tokyo!

Using hyper-space reduction technology, they have managed to fit 8 houses
into an area the size of two tennis courts! I'm not even kidding!
Light sources and any evidence of nature were the first to bite the bullet

That's right, for just JPY 45800000 - that's about GBP 200,000 - you can have your very own glorified box-for-living-in!

*pauses for applause*

That's right, you will be able to scoff at your friends plight as they live out their days in landlord-owned apartments when you own the 3 floor - that's right, 3 floor townhouse!!!

Walls are constructed using thin slabs of plywood not unlike the ones I used to use
to build miniature houses for Games Workshop board games - life imitating art indeed

Each house is made of 100% real wood! Not real as in part of a tree, but as in reconstituted wood (like a Chicken McNugget). Stop wasting time and money with trendy house-building fads like insulation (hah!), load bearing walls (scoff!) and earthquake-proof materials (peh!). We got the real deal here! Each house is designed so that once a big earthquake strikes Tokyo, The entire house will break apart effortlessly into its original flat-pack furniture state using real world physics!! This way, you can load your house onto a truck and reconstruct it in some prime refugee-camp real estate before everyone else has even pitched a tent!

But don't get too hasty, licking your lips in anticipation of the day the big 'quake comes - first, any earthquake will have to get past these brutal defenses!!

We have employed models to demonstrate that contrary to popular belief, Japanese homes do have
rooms big enough to accommodate a sleeping human being without having to stand up!

Yes, we managed to find some really big screws in the DIY shop that will fit snugly into the wooden beams that hold up the house! Can you see any non man-made power getting through these metal defenses? Me neither!

Ok, I know what you're thinking - "Ok, I agree - wood is the future of construction in earthquake prone countries - but won't it get all soggy when it rains? Or what happens if a meteor hits the outside of the house? Won't it catch fire and experience minor scolding?"

It's a good point. First, let me just remind you that we are talking about reconstituted wood, not real wood. When you see those big Australian bush fires on TV, that's real wood. Reconstituted wood is basically super-wood. It's man-made.
Of course, we could just leave the house as it is - but - as an added FREE bonus - we are going to glue some fake-stone panels onto the outside of the houses!

Have you ever seen a real brick that long? Of course not!
By using fake bricks, we can make them look up to a meter long!

These seem to be made of a similar material to real bricks, but crucially they have all the warm, cosy appearance of real bricks, without any of that "structural integrity" nonsense!

Japanese rooms aren't measured in meters, or inches, or any silly rule invented by foreigners. Rather, they are measured by how many tatami-mats you can fit into the room.

About 20% of the house's volume is composed of stairs!
Experts say that 95% of a family's most cherished memories are linked to stairways somehow

Perhaps the text is too small to read, so let me just tell you now... the second floor has a "Living-Dining Room-Kitchen" room that is 11.9 tatami mats in size! Wow! You could almost fit 12 tatami mats in there! Don't worry though - none of the rooms will have tatami anyway, they will all have (fake) fake wood flooring (as in not reconstituted wood, but plastic sheets made to look like wood).

So, come along NOW and buy one whilst you can!! You will almost certainly spend the rest of your life in this house! After all, Japan is obsessed with new homes, so no-one is ever going to buy it off you second-hand, and certainly not at anything better than half price. You may not even legally own the 10x5 meters plot (better check with the estate agent on that one!).

Please send your credit card details, plus a letter or permission stating that a) you are a moron and b) you will not try to sue me when your dreams are shattered by wafer-thin realities.

Best regards,

Nyago real estate - "Because a Japanese man's home is his prison"

DS Kanji Training

In my third post of the day, I want to talk about the first piece of DS software that I've enjoyed in a few months.

I pretty much stopped studying Japanese after I took the JLPT Level 2 exam in December 2005. It was such an effort that after 4 years of studying, I just needed a break.

It's surprising how much your standards can slip in 14 months.

I've been looking for a while now for some good Japanese training software. The problem is that after Dr. Kawashima's Brain Training, these "edutainment" games became so popular that the market became flooded with me-too titles, making it really hard to find anything of quality. Added to this is the problem that all the software is designed for Japanese people rather than people learning the language.


Well, this is the first software that I have felt is a good match. It's called - wait for it - Zaidan Houjin Nihon Kanji Nouryoku Kettei Kyoukai Koushiki Soft 200-Man Nin no Kanken -- Tokoton Kanji Nou.

Phew. Let's just call it ZHNKNKKKS200MNNK-TKN to make things simpler, shall we?

I could tell you how ZHNKNKKKS200MNNK-TKN works, or, you could just watch this video;



I really recommend this software for anyone who already knows a couple of hundred kanji already, but wants to get some thorough practice in. The game isn't much use for learning new kanji, so you will probably want to play it with your dictionary at hand. But it is peerless for helping you to commit kanji that you know to memory.

I only have a few gripes;

--Sometimes there are kanji that I don't know. In an ideal world, where all software is designed specifically with me in mind, there would be a way of showing me the English translation of these words.
--The program has occasional problems recognising my handwriting - specifically the Kanji for fire (火) and the number '5', which, as you can imagine, is pretty frustrating. I have spent minutes just repeatedly scribbling 5 in as many different styles as I can imagine, only to end up exasperated and swearing wildly.
--The menus are all in kanji, which I find a little strange - surely, if you are using kanji training software, there is a possibility that your customer won't be able to read some of this? Is it so hard to use furigana? Perhaps, once the student has come across and passed those kanji in-game, the furigana could then disappear?

Other than that, this is definitely gaijin-friendly stuff. But don't throw away your kanji cards out just yet.

Rating: Sweet pickles/Japanese foods
Price: 2500JPY (Cheap! Just over a tenner!)

Filling time

I've always been quite proud of my teeth - especially the fact that I don't have any fillings.

Well, I've now discovered that the easiest way to avoid having fillings is not to brush diligently and avoid sugars, but simply to avoid going to the dentist at all. By not going you can delude yourself into thinking that your teeth are just tickedy-boo. It's a cheap but ultimately self-destructive method.

Despite hearing countless horror stories about Japanese dentists, I was pretty impressed.
Maybe I just got lucky.

In my first visit to the dentist in almost four years, I was told that I had no less than three cavities. I guess that would explain the sensitivity a little. However, two of them are on my wisdom teeth, which I didn't even realise I had. Seeing as most people have their wisdom teeth pulled, I figure that these two cavities don't count, effectively giving me just one filling, which isn't too bad, right? I'm gonna look at these wisdom teeth as some kind of bonus item that I can abuse at will (a bit like unwanted children). Like when you pick up a shield in Sonic and you become a little careless. It doesn't matter if you lose the shield after all.

Wisdom teeth are called oya-shirazu in Japanese, which literally means 'teeth that your parents don't know about'. I guess that puts them in the same category as porno magazines (not that I've ever owned porno mags - but I've heard that other people do). I imagine that all Japanese men are terrified of their mothers discovering their secret stash of rotting black wisdom teeth. Having them yanked out is a pretty painful process after all.

I'll be heading back there next week to do the dirty deed. Time to close my eyes and think of the queen.

Dirty, dirty boy

Man, I'm glad that's over. Spent over an hour in make up just to look like this:

Oops, left the camera in macro-mode

Yeh, back to my mining heritage. I even wore a hard-hat.

Wearing a thick coat of make-up isn't much fun, I can tell you.
What made it worse was that they asked us to come in at 1pm, and we didn't start filming until 10pm! In the meantime, Kimutaku came and did his bit and left without any of us noticing... the rest will be down to the magic of post-production. I'm looking forward to seeing this one - should be pretty hilarious.

Still, it gave me plenty of time to practice my kanji. As you shall see.

Another brush with fame

Whilst we're on the twin subjects of bad-hair and Japan, I guess I should mention my current job that I'll be undertaking in a few hours. It's a TV commercial for Gatsby, a Japanese male beauty product manufacturer.

I'll be working with mega-famous Japanese talent and SMAP member Takuya Kimura (Kimutaku).

I won't ruin the contents of the ad, but for those of you who are curious, here is the previous ad;



Phew, it's gonna be tough to live up to that one!

Yakuza war? Yes please

This is where your lost pachinko money gets invested

The Yakuza. Seems like there have been some rival shootings of late, and people are worried that it will escalate into an all out turf-war.
I say bring it on. The Yakuza disgust me, and the sooner they wipe each other out the better.

It really rubs me up the way that the 'kuza get portrayed as 'cool' in the media - TV, film, games, manga etc. Don't be fooled by the whole 'gangsta' routine.

The Yakuza are not cool. They are a joke.

Let's have a look.

Sorry, I couldn't find a better image - this guy doesn't look to bad actually

Your haircuts are ridiculous. I'm sure they are directly responsible for the large ozone-hole over Japan thanks to their one-can-of-hairspray per day atrocities. To be fair, only young Yakuza seem to subscribe to the Dragonball haircuts - I think all their hair falls out when they turn 30.

Your clothes are ridiculous. The 70's was a long time ago. Seriously, Yakuza fashion seems to have taken every hideous fashion trend from the 70's and 80's and fused them into one cogent embarrassment.
And you know what - the Yakuza make lots of money. They spend said money on brand goods. They make said brand goods look decidedly cheap. The sight of Louis Vuitton makes me want to throw up now.

When you speak, you sound like 4 year old children having a tantrum. But through the voice of a drunk chain smoker. Pull yourself together.

All of this is merely the way that they project themselves externally. Don't worry - Yakuzites are equally repulsive inside. If you've ever seen one in the flesh, doing his thing, then you will have been reminded of how low human beings can sink. They are simply an embarrassment to behold.

So, next time you're watching a Yakuza movie, or playing the Sega 'Yakuza' game, don't be fooled - the Yakuza are twats, and have no place in modern society. I repeat - the Yakuza are not cool. Get rid.