Invest your cash NOW!

Hey, you!

Yeh, YOU!

...

You wanna buy a house?

Heh, have I got a sweeeeeet deal for yous!

Yes, I do!

Because, !!!breaking news!!!, some are being built right outside my apartment right here in mega-trendy-glitzy-wow-wow Kita-ward Tokyo!

Using hyper-space reduction technology, they have managed to fit 8 houses
into an area the size of two tennis courts! I'm not even kidding!
Light sources and any evidence of nature were the first to bite the bullet

That's right, for just JPY 45800000 - that's about GBP 200,000 - you can have your very own glorified box-for-living-in!

*pauses for applause*

That's right, you will be able to scoff at your friends plight as they live out their days in landlord-owned apartments when you own the 3 floor - that's right, 3 floor townhouse!!!

Walls are constructed using thin slabs of plywood not unlike the ones I used to use
to build miniature houses for Games Workshop board games - life imitating art indeed

Each house is made of 100% real wood! Not real as in part of a tree, but as in reconstituted wood (like a Chicken McNugget). Stop wasting time and money with trendy house-building fads like insulation (hah!), load bearing walls (scoff!) and earthquake-proof materials (peh!). We got the real deal here! Each house is designed so that once a big earthquake strikes Tokyo, The entire house will break apart effortlessly into its original flat-pack furniture state using real world physics!! This way, you can load your house onto a truck and reconstruct it in some prime refugee-camp real estate before everyone else has even pitched a tent!

But don't get too hasty, licking your lips in anticipation of the day the big 'quake comes - first, any earthquake will have to get past these brutal defenses!!

We have employed models to demonstrate that contrary to popular belief, Japanese homes do have
rooms big enough to accommodate a sleeping human being without having to stand up!

Yes, we managed to find some really big screws in the DIY shop that will fit snugly into the wooden beams that hold up the house! Can you see any non man-made power getting through these metal defenses? Me neither!

Ok, I know what you're thinking - "Ok, I agree - wood is the future of construction in earthquake prone countries - but won't it get all soggy when it rains? Or what happens if a meteor hits the outside of the house? Won't it catch fire and experience minor scolding?"

It's a good point. First, let me just remind you that we are talking about reconstituted wood, not real wood. When you see those big Australian bush fires on TV, that's real wood. Reconstituted wood is basically super-wood. It's man-made.
Of course, we could just leave the house as it is - but - as an added FREE bonus - we are going to glue some fake-stone panels onto the outside of the houses!

Have you ever seen a real brick that long? Of course not!
By using fake bricks, we can make them look up to a meter long!

These seem to be made of a similar material to real bricks, but crucially they have all the warm, cosy appearance of real bricks, without any of that "structural integrity" nonsense!

Japanese rooms aren't measured in meters, or inches, or any silly rule invented by foreigners. Rather, they are measured by how many tatami-mats you can fit into the room.

About 20% of the house's volume is composed of stairs!
Experts say that 95% of a family's most cherished memories are linked to stairways somehow

Perhaps the text is too small to read, so let me just tell you now... the second floor has a "Living-Dining Room-Kitchen" room that is 11.9 tatami mats in size! Wow! You could almost fit 12 tatami mats in there! Don't worry though - none of the rooms will have tatami anyway, they will all have (fake) fake wood flooring (as in not reconstituted wood, but plastic sheets made to look like wood).

So, come along NOW and buy one whilst you can!! You will almost certainly spend the rest of your life in this house! After all, Japan is obsessed with new homes, so no-one is ever going to buy it off you second-hand, and certainly not at anything better than half price. You may not even legally own the 10x5 meters plot (better check with the estate agent on that one!).

Please send your credit card details, plus a letter or permission stating that a) you are a moron and b) you will not try to sue me when your dreams are shattered by wafer-thin realities.

Best regards,

Nyago real estate - "Because a Japanese man's home is his prison"