Break the Blinds enters our world

Gosh, I don't blog much here anymore do I.

Well, I made a new song this morning. It's ok. It was a fun way to pass a few hours.
Not too original though.

But it's always fun to play with those nobs and wheels!

As usual, it's loaded into the player on the right, or lazy people can click the link to listen/download/whatever.

Break the Blinds.mp3

Acting climax for your viewing pleasure

Oh dear! I seem to have gone a month without blogging.
These days, the stress of internet life is too much. Myspace, Facebook, Mixi, Youtube, blog.... why are we doing all this?! How long can it last?
For a month I guess this blog has been playing second fiddle to others, despite it being the most "me" of them all. Looking at my Myspace page tells you nothing - except that perhaps I am slightly weird.

So, anyway, I finally got this DVD in the post the other day. I've been looking forward to this one! This was my last big acting job (4 days work for about 1200 pounds), so a pretty good way to go out. It's definately in my top 5. I laughed lots, and so will you (if you have ever met me anyway).

Sorry for the creepy American accent by the way!

Enough claptrap! Let's check it out!!



I know that you won't write a comment, but if you did, it would probably be "rofl", right?

New Nyago song - "tsuyu"

Nyago is back!!

This week I made the brave decision to spend money that I don't have (thankyou plastic man) to get something that I used to have, but then I didn't, but now I do again!

Yes, my KORG K49 was delivered yesterday, and I got some time to use it today.

Now, if something with a name like KOOOOOOOOOOOORG doesn't inspire you to make great music, then what the blazes will?!

I repeat: KOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRG!

KOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Man, I love shouting that word.

Anyway, I knocked together a pretty meaningless track, I think it's ok. Cubase was being very weird, so I had dificulty with the volume balance. Really must learn how to use that program sometime.

You can play the track as usual in the music player over there ---------->

Or you can download the full version here


tsuyu means rainy season. We had a real downpour for hours. It's cleared up now, so I think I'll pop into town before this weekend disappears forever.

Some worthless images

I don't have anything major to add from recently. So let's just look at some photos together.


Are you comfortable?

I live in a country where dry-cleaners give you profound messages.

But proof-reading goes out of the window when it comes to multi-million dollar acting productions.

A country where I couln't get on the train at 01:04am because there literally was no space left.

It's no wonder people keep on losing their dogs. And wives.

I like Taraco. In pasta. On toast. Even in rice balls. But, when its six in the morning and it so blatantly looks like what it is - a full fish ovary - I have to decline. Can't they just mash it up like everyone else? One thing the Brits are very good at is making meat and fish look like it was never a living thing (or was born shrink-wrapped).






Do you have any lovely photographs? If you do, please, do send them to me. I probably can't remember what you look like anymore.

The MASSIVE Update Part 2 - the era of self

Well, that took more than one day didn't it. Sorry. It really is hard to blog these days, but I want to get it down before my mind hazes over.

I want to start by talking a little bit about the new apartment.

It’s located in Kichijoji, a town about 15 minutes west of Shinjuku on the Chuo-line express train. You can take the Inokashira-line to Shibuya in 15 minutes too.
Sometime I’ll walk around Kichijoiji with a camera, and you can see for yourselves why it’s such a great place to live. I’m pretty chuffed.

The apartment in its current state

It took me a couple of weeks to get the apartment in order, and there are still a lot of things to sort out. But it’s much nicer now than when I’d just moved in!
It’s a pretty old building – made in the 70’s (ancient for destructo-happy Japan) so it has lots of… quirks. I couldn’t cook anything for two weeks because firstly the stove was on the opposite side of the room to the gas taps and it took me ages to find somewhere that sells a 3m hose, and secondly because the electricity went in the kitchen and I was unable to work out how to switch it back on (antiquated system).

No real complaints about the bog, although the lack of a window or extractor fan soon persuaded me to invest in fragrant sprays

There are other quirks too. There are three CATV cables for the TV. Why? Why oh why?
I had no lock on the balcony door for two weeks. And the balcony door is such a bad job. It doesn’t close fully. I can see why – when I asked the landlord to put a lock on the door, he got some cowboy guy around who tried his best to fob me off with just sticking a piece of rubber at the bottom of the door – like a wedge – to stop the door from being opened from the outside. After demonstrating to him that merely by applying strength to the door you could dislodge the wedge, he got off his arse and went to the hardware store to buy a proper lock. Even then, he didn’t remove the old one fully – it just dangles from the middle of the door now.

The balcony, and Kichijoji beyond

But without a shadow of a doubt, the most peculiar aspect of the apartment is the rather bizarre placement of the shower room. It’s on the balcony. You open the balcony door, and there is a pod there that you get into. An individual pod. It’s rather fun. You can sit on the sofa and watch someone shower. If you’re into that kind of thing.

Balcony, shower, TV. Everything you need in one meter.

So a couple of weeks ago I had a little house warming party with 5 friends. We barbequed stuff on the hot plate outside, and played Wii Sports. Unnecessary metal trinkets on the back of girls’ jeans have etched black patterns onto my walls now though. There goes my deposit!

Proof that I have at least 5 friends

I am now determined to make friends. To hang out with them. To expand. For too long I was locked away. People are rather interesting if you give them a chance.

I went to an event for fans of the band “Supercar” in a club in Shimokitazawa. It was fun. I chatted with these Japanese guys and we exchanged business cards (yes you even do that in clubs here). I sent them emails, but no replies. There’s something about Tokyo people where it’s deemed socially acceptable to just not reply to emails. It really boils my blood. Stop being pathetic! I can imagine them waking up hung-over, in a cold-sweat, thinking “god… I made friends with a foreigner! What am I going to do? People will think I’m weird and look at me”, or some such thing. Or perhaps they threw themselves onto the Chuo-line – many other people do after all. Perhaps I have that effect on people.

I’m just kidding! I’m quite amazing actually.
In fact, I’m worried that I may appear “too cool”, if this is possible. When I talk with people, I inevitably mention that I was an actor, and now I work at a video games company, my Japanese is great blah blah blah – maybe they just think “hmm, he probably has loads of swanky mates, and will think that I’m of petty significance in the grand tapestry of his life”.
If they are thinking that, they are wrong! Ordinary people are most welcome. I don’t bite.

Lately, I started doing something that I’ve wanted to do for about 14 years now. I finally started to learn the drums. It’s great.
The studio is half way between the station and my home, which is dead handy. I pop in there every other day for a rat-a-tat-tat. Once a week I meet my teacher who pushes me forward. I can really feel the progress.

My sensei, "Monkey T Nissy"

It’s not cheap, but you know, you have to do these things. I’m 26 already. 14 years of procrastinating right there.

That’s a whirlwind tour of what has been pertaining. Tonight I’m going to Yotsuya to see my friend Matt’s band, Placebo Sound. They’re a good unit, very tight, with some top songs too. Tonight is their last scheduled Live event for now, and it has drink-as-much-as-you-want too. Great! More good for me!
Goodness goodness goodness
I just realised that the words “good” and “god” are very similar. I feel nauseous now and must stop writing.

The MASSIVE Update Part 1 - the deepest well

It's funny how hard it is to blog when a) you have a full time job and b) you don't have Internet at home.



In the end, I have decided to satiate the quenchless thirst of my two's of fans who have demanded a recommencement of my blog.



Without any further excuses then. Let's proceed.





So, I have been working at my new job now for two months. The job that saved it all, and sparked a series of chaotic events that have changed my life pattern in MASSIVE ways (the title has many readings, like an overtly generic kanji).



I've decided not to talk about intimate work-related details on the blog. In fact, I'm not even going to say who I work for. I'm a coward like that. If you want to know, you can always ask me. In fact, if you're reading this, then you probably know already.



I received the job title of 'Overseas Business Manager', and I basically oversee all communications with our overseas clients. Now that quirky, casual games are all the rage, we have come into huge demand, so it's a great time to join the company. I think we are going to succeed quite a lot.



Back in the day, I encountered a lot of frustration applying for all the big companies - Konami, Capcom etc. How lucky I was. How strange fate is. In many ways, my job is perfect. We are not bound by many of the usual problems that beset most Japanese companies. The boss is very forward-thinking, and likes to show trust in his junior employees - he always sits at the back of the room in meetings. There is no "working your way up the ladder" in this company. I am allowed as much freedom and responsibility as is necessary. I feel that my input helps, and I really believe that things are about to go well for us.



I work in Aoyama, which is trendy and nice and the sun always shines. Our office is cosy and colourful, like a designer playpen. I work in a room where everybody except me has had a professional record contract. Or still has one. We rarely work overtime. Sometimes we play with robots.



Yeh, good times.


But anyway.

I'm starting to think that life is like a tripod. It has three legs.

Work.

Love/friendship.

Self.

If one of these is failing, you will wobble a bit, but you can survive. It will eat away at you slowly though.

If two of them fail, you will crash down into depression.

If three of them are buggered, then well, so are you.



Finally, I have one solid leg. The work leg. It is a good leg, and strong, and I'm glad that it's finally there.



With this leg in place, I recently kicked out another one that had been withered down by time. I ended my 4 year relationship with my girlfriend. A most complex affair. Sometimes I wonder if it was the right decision - or if I had made her a scapegoat for all my own problems. For sure, she supported me steadfastly through thick and thin. But now that it's over, there is definite relief. It was a relationship where I felt myself weakening, withdrawing into a shell. I was losing self-respect, and because of that, I was very nervous around new people. Heck, even people who I had know for a year or two. This was a leg of the tripod that was getting so big, and so demanding, that I was sacrificing myself for it.

Hmm, well, I was hoping to find a way to describe this event without looking selfish, but maybe there just isn't one.

We all have to make difficult decisions from time to time.

I had been postponing this one for some time. Maintaining the status quo helps no-one in the long term

It got to the point that even TV shows seemed to holding hidden messages for me. Even Peep Show was giving me relationship guidance.



Two weeks on, I feel better. I'm starting to adapt. Last week was golden week in Japan. Lot's of days off. It was not a good time to have days off. I mostly sat there on my sofa trying to get my head around things.

Luckily I have a very big head, so I'm pretty much stabilised now. I still have the odd wonky patch though.



So. That's one leg of the tripod gone. What of the final one? What of the self?



Things are looking up for the self. It is time for, "the era of self".

Some people - or - well- just my brother - would argue that this era has actually spanned my entire life. But to be honest, I've been feeling like I've been fading out the past few years. I was being watered down. It was easier to drink, but not as tasty.



The first step to this new era was acquiring a new apartment. Wow, seems like a long time ago already. I thought that moving house would be fun, but in truth it was hugely stressful. Because of this I didn't think too much about the break-up until after it had happened, and yes, I was shell-shocked for all of Golden Week.



But I did it. I pulled through all the obstacles. I leaped over the racist barriers. I sidestepped the financial pitfalls. But know I have a pretty sweet apartment to show for it, and not much left to stress over.



Arranging an apartment as a single foreigner with a Japanese estate agent is. very. hard. Most people turn you down flat before they have even met you. A state of affairs that would be deeply illegal in my country. Whilst it may be true that there are numbers of foreigners who do bad stuff - are noisy, do not pay their last month's rent etc - to refuse someone else because of this perception is straightforward discrimination. And the government do nothing to protect us, even though it's endemic in this country. If they want to start becoming more international, then hey, here's somewhere to start.
End of rant.



The moving day was also extremely tough. My friend Matt and I hired a truck and did it ourselves, saving hundreds of pounds. I will forever be indebted to him for this - it was a massive undertaking and a huge favour; more than we anticipated. My new apartment is on the 4th floor, with no elevator. My three-seater sofa was a nightmare. As was the book shelf, and my limitless hordes of stuff. I wish I could throw things away. I just love stuff so much. Why do I need three Neo Geo Pocket Colours? Maybe some day, the answers to all these mysterious questions will become obvious.

Crashdown - April 28th

I was very doubtful that I'd be able to fit so much stuff into my two-room apartment... did I manage it? Or do I have to sleep on the toilet now?

All challenging questions, that will be addressed in Part 2 tomorrow! Don't worry, there will be more positive things in that one.

Ping-Pong-Paint-madness!!

Hello everyone, and welcome, as I introduce to you the new craze that is about to sweep the WORLD!!


Do you ever find yourself stuck in the same place for hours a day, with not much to do? Well, you should team up with a friend and engage in a bout of Ping-Pong-Paint!!!


The rules are simple;

• Open Microsoft Paint.
• Draw something on the default page.
• Save it.
• Email it to a fellow artisian.
• He/she works her/his magic and sends it back
• Continue ad infinitum, until you are both satisfied with it. Then blog it! Or better yet, send them in here! I'll post 'em, fer shnizzle.

To kick things off, here is the first, hotly anticipated Pin-Pong-Paint-piece by artiestes Nyago and Moscow:

Yes, thank you, thank you indeed. It's always nice to see how a work comes into true fruition.

We hope that you enjoyed the interupption to your schedule. Because we did.

N&M

Down Time

I just wanted to report that yeh, I'm still around, still doing my thing. I'm telling ya, having a job sure does hit your blogging time... plus of course, there aren't as many things to blog about.

Surprisingly, there are a lot of things going on at the moment. Will I blog about them? Probably not. Not all topics are appropriate for the internet.

But fear thee not! I will be back soon with fun acting clippings.

In the meantime, I hope that the entire world is enjoying Peep Show. You should be!

Dormant SNES stalks convenience stores across Tokyo

I was in a Lawson convenience store near Tamachi the other day when I saw this:

4 years in Japan, and I never noticed these before

A SNES dashboard. Hmm.

It was a part of this beast;

Is anyone else disturbed by this?

Loppi is basically a mini Box office machine. You can buy tickets for concerts, museums, theme parks etc. there. I was buying tickets for the Gibli museum.

A quick internet search turned this up: http://www.nintendo.co.jp/nom/0011/index.html

Seems that this has been around since 2000, with 163 SNES titles available, and Gameboy games too! You ask at the till and pay per 10 minutes. I wonder if they still work? Has anyone out there had any luck? I flipped the power switch, but there was no sign of life. I didn't have time to ask the staff about it. That's my excuse, anyway.

It's political incorrectness gone made

It's strange how major life events like starting a career can really hit your blogging output. I realise that March has been a skinny month. I've had plenty of things to talk about. They're piling up, but fading in clarity, much as they did in my FFXII obsession era (I haven't touched since, and may never again. Everyone has limits).
I don't really want to go into any great depths job-wise just yet. It's only been two days. Let's see how it pans out though.

What I really want to talk about today is the USA. Yeh, the States, baby! That's one crazy place right there. A fat, pulsating boil that you can't help but look at. I feel that when one looks at the States, one can see a gushing rainbow of humanity's diversity. The good and the bad. The beautiful and the repellent.
To start with the bad, I watched the Al Gore documentary, "An Inconvenient Truth" last weekend.

No witty comments here.

No, I'm not saying that the documentary was bad. Suffice to say, the documentary does not cast the Bush administration in the most angelic of lights.

Let's not beat around the... uh, Bush... let's just beat the f****r directly. Damn, I hate that guy. That will never change. Watching this documentary, it occurred to me that the greatest historical event of the last ten years, objectively, is not 9/11 and terrorism, but a small number of Florida voters in 2000. Would the world be a better place if Gore had become president, rather than Bush? I don't doubt it for one moment. It saddened me deeply. That Bush won that election, and then got re-elected, fills me with profound despair. My faith in my fellow man drops. This guy is filling the world with resentment; promoting animosity and greed.

So I guess it's not too surprising to come across comments like this on the internet. Frequently. I've censored them for you, sweet children.

Rabownsyou (1 month ago)

Christ, I wish I could poke out everything wrong with American's. I f*****g hate them so much.

assimilate (1 month ago)

i hate americans.

phazzydoo (6 months ago)

lol, trying to sell an intellectual quiz show to Yanks, they're fat.

Firstly, it shocks me that people are willing to post comments like this on the internet. Publishing racist comments for the world to see. Secondly, the "intellectual quiz show"in question is "Countdown". Sigh.
I found these in the comments section of a Youtube video. It was an excerpt from Charlie Brooker's "Screen Wipe" TV show, where he shows clips of British TV shows to Americans. He deliberatly chooses campy, extreme examples. Unsurprisingly, the American audience find "The Bill" and "Countdown" to be cheesy, and, well, crap. And let's face it - that's what they are.

What I want to say is that just because we hate Bush (and rightfully so - he is a **** *******, a ***** ******, and ******** **************), it doesn't mean that all Americans are like that. Sure, they elected him (allegedly), but lets remember that only about 35% of Americans voted. and 51% of them voted Republican. So, we should only be disgusted with 18% of Americans.

I have been privileged to meet lots of Americans in my lifetime. And I've liked plenty of them. They aren't deserving of such baseless hatred. They can be funny, intelligent, sarcastic and they are clearly aware of their country's deficiencies.

Let's try to remember that the US has produced books, music, movies, games, TV shows, art etc. etc. of the highest quality and diversity. It would be callous to deny that we like any of it.

So, the Youtube people who stuck up for "The Bill". Can you really tell me that it is better than "The Wire" in any way, and expect me not to guffaw in your face?

I was led to "The Wire", ironically enough, by Charlie Brooker again

I watched all 40 episodes of The Wire in just over a week. Utterly gripping stuff. The UK could never produce anything like this. We need the US. I'm not sure if I'd like to live their myself, but on a visceral level, we need it. It's a mirror for us all to look in; because we all could end up like that. The highs the lows.

If only more Americans bothered to vote.

Good acting is for actors

As you have no doubt noticed, a lot of my acting work consists of cheesy dramatic reconstructions. There is big demand for them on Japanese TV, so there is consequently constant demand for actors.

In the acting industry here, the process goes as follows;

1. The agency calls you with a possible job. If you are available on those days, you give them "First Keep". If you might be available (i.e. you already have a first keep), then you give them "Second Keep" etc.
2. The agency sends your profile to the production company - "Picture Selection"
3. If the production company like you, you'll be invited to the audtion for the part.
4. Some time later, you get a call telling you if you got the part or not.

When it comes to reconstruction jobs, step 3 gets cut, and the production company chooses actors purely from the supplied photographs - basically taking a chance on acting ability. The voices get dubbed, so accents aren't an issue. In fact, you don't even need to speak English. Once, I had a role as a father. I spoke to my wife in English. She replied in Russian. My kids cheered on in Japanese. Wild times! Truly, an international family.
For the record, the pay rate for reconstructions (called Saigen here) is appropriately poor.

Anyway, seems this week that a Saigen director got a bit too big for her boots, and thought it might be a good idea to actually do some auditions this time. Man, I'm pretty sure that I don't want them to pick me for this one! I'm sure the pay is crap anyway.

Anyway, this is what I had to do "off the cuff" in the audition. This should shut up any of you guys who think that this job is a cakewalk. If it doesn't - well - you are welcome to try for yourselves. I guess some people prefer hugging Eastern European models.

Basically, I turned up at the audition along with two blonde females - a Slovakian and a Russian (you would probably have fancied both of them). As the only guy, I had to pair up for the both of them (arf).

First scene. Slovakian girl tells me that she is pregnant. But. She has two wombs**. There are two babies in one of them, and one in the other. The emotions swirl in my head - dazzled by elation, struck by shock, smitten with anxiety... then I do it all over again with the Russian girl.
My emotions frazzled, we move straight onto the next scene. Back with the Slovakian. The doctor looks us in the eye: "I'm afraid there has been a miscarriage...". Cue scenes of disbelief, anger, shock; yeh, we're talking about the whole spectrum here! This is pure gold, so we do it all over again with the Russian girl. She doesn't take the news very well, and crumbles into my masculine arms.
No time to waste, so we plunge straight into the next scene - my Slovakian wife is giving birth - and - just as I had always expected, it didn't look that painful (just looked like they had serious piles to me). The baby is out in no time, and we share our elation with the world. Should I kiss her? Probably not. The doctor shows us our new addition - a beautiful Panasonic remote control has emerged from her designer jeans. Classic prop that - I do hope they find something more realistic for the actual filming though.

Congratulations

No sooner are we celebrating all this than my Russian wife is shoved in the chair. Her feeble hands gently squeeze mine as I command her to must her utmost power to evict the alien mass from her spasming body. As I am whisked once more to the highest of human emotions, the doctor shows us our child - another Panasonic remote. I'm starting to realise why those TV repairs took so long now.

It's all over. The three of us leave the audition - elated, depressed and unsure whether we should feel a common bond or simple humility. As professional actors, we luckily have no emotions of our own save vanity, so we leave it at that.

This post started out serious, but seems to have degenerated into flip-flap based on real events. One can only apologise.

I wonder if I'll get this part. If I do, I will try to cry for you all. That would be a befitting climax, wouldn't it.

**I think both of the girls got confused. Or had never heard the English word "womb" before. They kept on telling me that they had "..two rooms - two babies in one, and one in the other". Luckily, I knew what they were really trying to say. I have a deep understanding of women like that, see.

Deus Ex Machina tops off Ultimate Week!!

Operating Theatre or train? You decide

I'm writing this now at 5:30am Tokyo time, denied my basic human sleep-needs and nursing a hot Tesco-branded Lemsip. I've come down with a heavy phlegm-cold that I used to get once a year, but which now strikes me about 4 times each winter since moving to Tokyo. It's a consequence of 20 million people converging on a limited number of trains day in, day out. When you first arrive here, you think that the mask-wearing train sufferers are just eccentric or hypochondriacs - but soon, you come to respect them. Indeed, you start to loathe the salarymen who don't wear them, as they make barely any effort to keep their nasal audio level down (or control their death-rot breath, for that matter).

It's a cruel way to end what has otherwise been a fantastic week. So, let's un-digress.


Well, I guess that I should start with the big news - that is to say - that - yes, - I have got a new job! My original purpose when I came to Japan was to gather up steam and get a video-game job in Japan. With my visa expiring this month, I was pretty much set to go back to the UK, slightly defeated, to search a job out there. Heck, I've tried hard enough to get a game job here over the past year. Time after time I was rejected.
Well, after reading every - single - job mail-list email that I've received over the past 18 months, yeh, I've finally bagged one! It has been almost uncanny. It just so happens that the president of this company is also the only Japanese developer that I have ever met before - he gave a keynote at the Game Developers Conference in London when I was still a student - and the company is small enough in size that the interview was directly with him. I'm not going to give away who the company is just yet - you never know who might be reading! Heh.
The company is getting lots of demand from Europe and North America, so they really need someone who can handle the bilingual communications. It's a little bit daunting to be the only foreigner in the company, and at times my Japanese ability will be pushed to it's limits. Having said that, this is what I've always wanted - total immersion is the best way to improve after all.
The actual job title is "Assistant Planner", so I should get the chance to learn some production and management techniques - especially considering the size of the company. It's almost too perfect.

Wow, the Lemsip is kicking in already. If there's one thing worth importing to this country, that's it.

So yeh, I start this job in less than two weeks, and so another page (a big page) turns over in my book. Sadly, it looks like I will have to pack in the acting. To begin with I will be outsourced to the company by a recruiter, and they don't allow any days off in the three month "trial period".

It's strange really because lately the acting has been going great. This week I was filming my highest-paid job yet. It was a promotional video for a health products company (*cough* quasi-pyramid program *cough cough*) that they will use to open a conference they are holding for their customers in the Makuhari Messe (where Tokyo Game Show and Comicon is held) in April. The whole thing went very smoothly, the hours were reasonable, and at the end of it they even let me keep the tailor-made suit and shoes that I wore during the shoot! They're pretty nice!
In addition, I have a job with NHK (The Japanese BBC) next week. About two hours of work for 250 pounds. Paid on the spot. All I have to do is smile and make British animal noises for a kids TV show. Usually I'm the one paying other people to make animal noises. **
I've also been offered a part in a video game cut-scene, and have another possible credited movie role - but it looks like I will sadly have to turn these down now. Looks like a cake that I won't be eating.

** Lie told for the purpose of a joke. Honestly.

In other, unrelated news, I got a new laptop this week. My previous PC was a nice little unit, but the lack of an internal optical drive was really annoying. It also had an annoying, incurable virus. So, I imported an 14" Widescreen HP unit from the States. Man, the States is just so much cheaper than anywhere else for PC's. Even after an $80 shipping fee, and after my UK bank had their fun charging ridiculous foreign transaction fees, it still came out as much cheaper than anything I could find in the UK. It's a special edition unit. Very nice.

It even has a mini remote control that stores itself in the PC card slot.
Very nice. But never gonna use it. Never gonna use it.

Well, yeh, that's about it really. Looks like I'll be in Japan for awhile yet. To those of you who were looking forward to my return - well - my apologies. I recently came to realise that I really do like it here. And for now, the future teems with optimism.

Invest your cash NOW!

Hey, you!

Yeh, YOU!

...

You wanna buy a house?

Heh, have I got a sweeeeeet deal for yous!

Yes, I do!

Because, !!!breaking news!!!, some are being built right outside my apartment right here in mega-trendy-glitzy-wow-wow Kita-ward Tokyo!

Using hyper-space reduction technology, they have managed to fit 8 houses
into an area the size of two tennis courts! I'm not even kidding!
Light sources and any evidence of nature were the first to bite the bullet

That's right, for just JPY 45800000 - that's about GBP 200,000 - you can have your very own glorified box-for-living-in!

*pauses for applause*

That's right, you will be able to scoff at your friends plight as they live out their days in landlord-owned apartments when you own the 3 floor - that's right, 3 floor townhouse!!!

Walls are constructed using thin slabs of plywood not unlike the ones I used to use
to build miniature houses for Games Workshop board games - life imitating art indeed

Each house is made of 100% real wood! Not real as in part of a tree, but as in reconstituted wood (like a Chicken McNugget). Stop wasting time and money with trendy house-building fads like insulation (hah!), load bearing walls (scoff!) and earthquake-proof materials (peh!). We got the real deal here! Each house is designed so that once a big earthquake strikes Tokyo, The entire house will break apart effortlessly into its original flat-pack furniture state using real world physics!! This way, you can load your house onto a truck and reconstruct it in some prime refugee-camp real estate before everyone else has even pitched a tent!

But don't get too hasty, licking your lips in anticipation of the day the big 'quake comes - first, any earthquake will have to get past these brutal defenses!!

We have employed models to demonstrate that contrary to popular belief, Japanese homes do have
rooms big enough to accommodate a sleeping human being without having to stand up!

Yes, we managed to find some really big screws in the DIY shop that will fit snugly into the wooden beams that hold up the house! Can you see any non man-made power getting through these metal defenses? Me neither!

Ok, I know what you're thinking - "Ok, I agree - wood is the future of construction in earthquake prone countries - but won't it get all soggy when it rains? Or what happens if a meteor hits the outside of the house? Won't it catch fire and experience minor scolding?"

It's a good point. First, let me just remind you that we are talking about reconstituted wood, not real wood. When you see those big Australian bush fires on TV, that's real wood. Reconstituted wood is basically super-wood. It's man-made.
Of course, we could just leave the house as it is - but - as an added FREE bonus - we are going to glue some fake-stone panels onto the outside of the houses!

Have you ever seen a real brick that long? Of course not!
By using fake bricks, we can make them look up to a meter long!

These seem to be made of a similar material to real bricks, but crucially they have all the warm, cosy appearance of real bricks, without any of that "structural integrity" nonsense!

Japanese rooms aren't measured in meters, or inches, or any silly rule invented by foreigners. Rather, they are measured by how many tatami-mats you can fit into the room.

About 20% of the house's volume is composed of stairs!
Experts say that 95% of a family's most cherished memories are linked to stairways somehow

Perhaps the text is too small to read, so let me just tell you now... the second floor has a "Living-Dining Room-Kitchen" room that is 11.9 tatami mats in size! Wow! You could almost fit 12 tatami mats in there! Don't worry though - none of the rooms will have tatami anyway, they will all have (fake) fake wood flooring (as in not reconstituted wood, but plastic sheets made to look like wood).

So, come along NOW and buy one whilst you can!! You will almost certainly spend the rest of your life in this house! After all, Japan is obsessed with new homes, so no-one is ever going to buy it off you second-hand, and certainly not at anything better than half price. You may not even legally own the 10x5 meters plot (better check with the estate agent on that one!).

Please send your credit card details, plus a letter or permission stating that a) you are a moron and b) you will not try to sue me when your dreams are shattered by wafer-thin realities.

Best regards,

Nyago real estate - "Because a Japanese man's home is his prison"

DS Kanji Training

In my third post of the day, I want to talk about the first piece of DS software that I've enjoyed in a few months.

I pretty much stopped studying Japanese after I took the JLPT Level 2 exam in December 2005. It was such an effort that after 4 years of studying, I just needed a break.

It's surprising how much your standards can slip in 14 months.

I've been looking for a while now for some good Japanese training software. The problem is that after Dr. Kawashima's Brain Training, these "edutainment" games became so popular that the market became flooded with me-too titles, making it really hard to find anything of quality. Added to this is the problem that all the software is designed for Japanese people rather than people learning the language.


Well, this is the first software that I have felt is a good match. It's called - wait for it - Zaidan Houjin Nihon Kanji Nouryoku Kettei Kyoukai Koushiki Soft 200-Man Nin no Kanken -- Tokoton Kanji Nou.

Phew. Let's just call it ZHNKNKKKS200MNNK-TKN to make things simpler, shall we?

I could tell you how ZHNKNKKKS200MNNK-TKN works, or, you could just watch this video;



I really recommend this software for anyone who already knows a couple of hundred kanji already, but wants to get some thorough practice in. The game isn't much use for learning new kanji, so you will probably want to play it with your dictionary at hand. But it is peerless for helping you to commit kanji that you know to memory.

I only have a few gripes;

--Sometimes there are kanji that I don't know. In an ideal world, where all software is designed specifically with me in mind, there would be a way of showing me the English translation of these words.
--The program has occasional problems recognising my handwriting - specifically the Kanji for fire (火) and the number '5', which, as you can imagine, is pretty frustrating. I have spent minutes just repeatedly scribbling 5 in as many different styles as I can imagine, only to end up exasperated and swearing wildly.
--The menus are all in kanji, which I find a little strange - surely, if you are using kanji training software, there is a possibility that your customer won't be able to read some of this? Is it so hard to use furigana? Perhaps, once the student has come across and passed those kanji in-game, the furigana could then disappear?

Other than that, this is definitely gaijin-friendly stuff. But don't throw away your kanji cards out just yet.

Rating: Sweet pickles/Japanese foods
Price: 2500JPY (Cheap! Just over a tenner!)

Filling time

I've always been quite proud of my teeth - especially the fact that I don't have any fillings.

Well, I've now discovered that the easiest way to avoid having fillings is not to brush diligently and avoid sugars, but simply to avoid going to the dentist at all. By not going you can delude yourself into thinking that your teeth are just tickedy-boo. It's a cheap but ultimately self-destructive method.

Despite hearing countless horror stories about Japanese dentists, I was pretty impressed.
Maybe I just got lucky.

In my first visit to the dentist in almost four years, I was told that I had no less than three cavities. I guess that would explain the sensitivity a little. However, two of them are on my wisdom teeth, which I didn't even realise I had. Seeing as most people have their wisdom teeth pulled, I figure that these two cavities don't count, effectively giving me just one filling, which isn't too bad, right? I'm gonna look at these wisdom teeth as some kind of bonus item that I can abuse at will (a bit like unwanted children). Like when you pick up a shield in Sonic and you become a little careless. It doesn't matter if you lose the shield after all.

Wisdom teeth are called oya-shirazu in Japanese, which literally means 'teeth that your parents don't know about'. I guess that puts them in the same category as porno magazines (not that I've ever owned porno mags - but I've heard that other people do). I imagine that all Japanese men are terrified of their mothers discovering their secret stash of rotting black wisdom teeth. Having them yanked out is a pretty painful process after all.

I'll be heading back there next week to do the dirty deed. Time to close my eyes and think of the queen.

Dirty, dirty boy

Man, I'm glad that's over. Spent over an hour in make up just to look like this:

Oops, left the camera in macro-mode

Yeh, back to my mining heritage. I even wore a hard-hat.

Wearing a thick coat of make-up isn't much fun, I can tell you.
What made it worse was that they asked us to come in at 1pm, and we didn't start filming until 10pm! In the meantime, Kimutaku came and did his bit and left without any of us noticing... the rest will be down to the magic of post-production. I'm looking forward to seeing this one - should be pretty hilarious.

Still, it gave me plenty of time to practice my kanji. As you shall see.

Another brush with fame

Whilst we're on the twin subjects of bad-hair and Japan, I guess I should mention my current job that I'll be undertaking in a few hours. It's a TV commercial for Gatsby, a Japanese male beauty product manufacturer.

I'll be working with mega-famous Japanese talent and SMAP member Takuya Kimura (Kimutaku).

I won't ruin the contents of the ad, but for those of you who are curious, here is the previous ad;



Phew, it's gonna be tough to live up to that one!

Yakuza war? Yes please

This is where your lost pachinko money gets invested

The Yakuza. Seems like there have been some rival shootings of late, and people are worried that it will escalate into an all out turf-war.
I say bring it on. The Yakuza disgust me, and the sooner they wipe each other out the better.

It really rubs me up the way that the 'kuza get portrayed as 'cool' in the media - TV, film, games, manga etc. Don't be fooled by the whole 'gangsta' routine.

The Yakuza are not cool. They are a joke.

Let's have a look.

Sorry, I couldn't find a better image - this guy doesn't look to bad actually

Your haircuts are ridiculous. I'm sure they are directly responsible for the large ozone-hole over Japan thanks to their one-can-of-hairspray per day atrocities. To be fair, only young Yakuza seem to subscribe to the Dragonball haircuts - I think all their hair falls out when they turn 30.

Your clothes are ridiculous. The 70's was a long time ago. Seriously, Yakuza fashion seems to have taken every hideous fashion trend from the 70's and 80's and fused them into one cogent embarrassment.
And you know what - the Yakuza make lots of money. They spend said money on brand goods. They make said brand goods look decidedly cheap. The sight of Louis Vuitton makes me want to throw up now.

When you speak, you sound like 4 year old children having a tantrum. But through the voice of a drunk chain smoker. Pull yourself together.

All of this is merely the way that they project themselves externally. Don't worry - Yakuzites are equally repulsive inside. If you've ever seen one in the flesh, doing his thing, then you will have been reminded of how low human beings can sink. They are simply an embarrassment to behold.

So, next time you're watching a Yakuza movie, or playing the Sega 'Yakuza' game, don't be fooled - the Yakuza are twats, and have no place in modern society. I repeat - the Yakuza are not cool. Get rid.

Battlestar Galactica - MUCH better than the original series

That's right. Sticking my foot out there on this one.

Believe it or not, this is sci-fi. In the future, people wear two vests.

It's pretty good. Good enough that I watched all of series 1 (5 DVD's) in one weekend.

As a teenager, I watched StarTrek - The Next Generation almost every day after school. I wasn't a Trekkie - it was just the best thing on TV from 5-6pm.
But I'm not gonna lie to you - it's obvious that I enjoy a bit of escapism. My life is steeped in Games Workshop and video game lore. And traveling is basically escapism too.

But oddly, what makes B.G. great isn't that it's sci-fi. Its visual effects are adequate if unspectacular (though they never look cheesy), and its premise is hardly new (robots go out of control and attempt human genocide).
What makes B.G. great is that it's a human drama. It just happens to be set in space. And dang, it really sucks you in.
The producers really did a great job. They really understood the zeitgeist. Now, I'm gonna talk about the zeitgeist for a bit. Some of you may wish to switch off now.

In this era of "web 2.0", people aren't so easily wowed any more. You can't expect to just stick some futuristic gadget on TV, make it go 'bleep bloop' and then the audience are amazed. We're too wise to all that now.

Last night, Moonraker was on the TV. Somehow, I'm a Roger Moore fan. He made James Bond so camp, so debonair... it was great 80's stuff to watch. But watching it last night, for the first time in yonks... it was quite... stupid. Maybe Austin Powers really helped us all realise how ridiculous it all was. So detached from reality. The best, most memorable scene in the film is the cable-car scene with Jaws. There are no laser guns. No quasi-futuristic clothes. Just two men trying to kill each other in a tense spectacular scenario. It's a great scene.
Now don't go telling me that Sean Connery was the "correct" Bond. There are just as many problems with the smarmy, rotund Scot as any other of the Bonds. But that's a different issue.

If we fast forward to the now... the new Bond... Daniel Craig... I would say that it's the best movie containing James Bond ever . It isn't necessarily the best Bond movie (continue reading and I hope you'll catch my drift), if you consider Bond as a genre unto itself, but, if you just consider it as a film, an artistic, dramatic creation, then it blows the other Bond movies away. Bond movies should always be a product of its era. And, like Battlestar Galactica, Casino Royale is most definitely a product of (and a contributor to) the current zeitgeist.

So, what is the current Zeitgeist? I would say that it contains the basic tenants (there may be more - please enlighten me);

• The characters are human, and therefore susceptible to human weaknesses. We are vulnarable. And you can't just kidnap a girl and then the guy must put down his weapon. It goes much deeper.
• Characters have a reason for their evil actions. They cannot just be de-facto evil. To see why people become terrorists, to see people lie and cheat out of greed and a desire for power... these are human traits, and we want to see them. Think of a Ghibli anime compared to a Disney one. Thinking about the world this way can help us understand the current socio-political climate of our world. It ain't so black and white. We all have the potential to undertake malicious acts. Stories help us understand the motivation that can provoke such acts. That's why there should be no censorship, and no 'taboo' subject matter.
  
• Technology isn't a story element - it's a prop. So, find a suitable, believable prop, use it, and move on with the story. Don't dwell on it. Don't gloat over its omnipotent powers. You will look stupid in 10 years time, I guarantee you. In B.G., much of the technology actually goes backwards from our current time - phones are cluncky and have wires. That's future-proof, right there. They have circumnavigated against any possible future accusations of being outdated - genius.
• When people fight, it hurts. Body's slam against walls, blood flies, scars remain. For a while afterwards, you will be exhausted. Fighting isn't fun. Look at Bond fight. It hurts just to watch. You really believe that a guy like him would fight like that. There are no roundhouse kicks.
• Women can be tough. Men can be sexy. The two are not exclusive.
  

In a nutshell, it's about people. B.G. is basically ER in space. ER must be more than 10 years old now. It was pretty groundbreaking at the time. The notion that Doctors get tired, that Hospitals aren't super white and squeaky clean, that people die and bleed and cry...
B.G. also borrows the camera style from ER. Close-up, shaky hand cams. Faces that fill the entire screen. The B.G.'s commander (The guy in the photo above) has a really rough, pitted skin texture. You watch B.G., and you will see it. This is a tough guy. What a contrast to Captain Picard.

Does all this have any implications for video games? Yeh, of course. Unfortunately, they are pretty harsh ones too. In TV and movies, visual effects are an accompaniment to the actual footage. You analyse where you need CGI, and you make it.
A video game is 100% visual effects - everything has to be realised by an artist. It's a cruel twist that the resource most important to TV and film is also the easiest to aquire - real human actors. Sadly for games, they need actors, humans, too. But they have to create them from the ground up. And humans are the most complicated, detailed of all objects.
With so much focus - and resources - on the visual effects, it's very easy to forget that the goal of a video game isn't to have spectacular, eye-bleeding effects (stand up Perfect Dark Zero - now get out) - but to have great gameplay. With the new generation of consoles, the resources required to produce adequate graphics in high-definition are astounding. I really suspect that many developers will lose sight of the goal.
The second challenge comes from this rejection of form before function. If games aren't played for their graphics, what are they played for? The answer is of course, gameplay. Good ol' mysterious gameplay. Nobody knows what gameplay really is - just like we don't know what a great story is. There is no guaranteed formula. This is why we really need higher education courses that focus on this. Wake up people - games are real, they entertain millions of people, and create millions of jobs (developing, manufacturing, distributing, retailing, press, PR...). The amount of people from varied backgrounds with game-specific skills is cripplingly low. I'm talking about non-techincal skills here. Anyone can learn Maya or 3D studio Max. But how do we learn about level design? Game narrative? Character design, when we have to design the game for every individual player?
Giving people three years to think about things and experiment will make the world of difference. Currently, High-Ed game courses are of a fairly low caliber. This will surely improve over time as the mount of people qualified to teach and the quality of game related literature improves.
Many games are also important for their story and characterization. Half Life has an intriguing, character-led story. Final Fantasy 12 does not. They aren't necessities for a great game, but they sure do help to maintain your interest. Half Life is unique in that there are no cut-scenes. You never once leave the body of your avatar, Gordon Freeman. Sometimes, you walk past a door and you hear a conversation on the other side. This is an example of game designers looking at narrative from a gaming perspective rather than a film one. We are in the game - so please, don't take us out if it. It's all so wrong. In Total Warrior: Spartan, there are occasional cut-scenes where your avatar gets angry, shouts, and generally makes decisions on your behalf. This is a guy that you never really see in-game, as the camera is zoomed out in order to make the game playable (as opposed to Dynasty Warriors, where the camera is much closer - too close in fact, and you can't keep track of your enemies). This actually made me dislike the Spartan character. At the end of the day, perhaps all video game avatars should be mute, like Link, Gordon Freeman and Master Chief. As soon as some deep American voice bellows out of my body, I'm suddenly reminded that I'm in a video game.

Games are starting to get more realistic. More human. They will start to challenge our actions. Deus Ex tried it, and I think more will. When we play a game, we kill people without question. There will be games that challenge this notion. Don't let your kids out of the house, because, you know you don't want kids playing this stuff. That doesn't mean that its wrong - games have an untapped potential to be profound. I can't wait to see it.

It's no longer good enough to make a 'cool' product, market it to death and reap the rewards. In this era, consumers are smart. If something is full of crap, flawed or cynical, then you can bet your board-room-decisions arse that "the web" is gonna talk about it, and your reputation will be shredded mercilessly. In the 90's, in the decade of marketing, Playstation killed Sega's hardware division by appearing to be the 'cooler' product with guerrila advertising in night clubs and festivals. No-one realised that the Dreamcast was stuffed with great exclusive games. Fast forward 12 years, and Sony is getting murdered by bad press surrounding the PSP and PS3. They are essentially using the same marketing tactics - ads that concentrate on the 'spirit' and 'coolness' of the Playstation brand rather than the quality of the product.
In a distant land called the internet, consumers are tearing them apart in forums.
In the meantime, Nintendo releases a new, reasonably priced, innovative product. The TV commercials show people playing the game. If you make a good product, the people in the internet forums will do all the marketing you could ever need.

This is web 2.0. We won't be patronised any longer.

What were they thinking...

Oh dear. TV has come a long way in 30 years I guess.

Watching them now, the Star Wars movies are a little cheesy at times, but overall, I'd say they still do a good job of suspending belief.

This 2-hour special from 1978 did a great job of almost destroying a dynamite brand. It's about Chewbacca trying to get home for "Life Day". And it's just shocking.


The best part is at around 4:20 - make sure that you stick around for that.

Don't let anyone tell you that the 70's were "cooler" than the 80's. They weren't. They were just wrong in different ways.

The procrastination of truth

Remember a while back I posted about "getting closer to why I am in Japan".

Well, lately, it hasn't been going according to plan.


I didn't get the Motion Capture part.
The movie is looking increasingly dubious.
I still haven't heard about any jobs from my Game Localisation company.

Those were my three main goals for this year, and they are looking slightly vaporous...

Despite all this, I've been in pretty good spirits lately. I've just finished another tax course - perhaps the relief from that is perking me up. It's always nice to finish a teaching job, and realising that both you and the students somehow enjoyed it. Today we did a two hour roleplay session of a foreigner filling his Tax payments... somehow, the students were enjoying it; laughing, smiling. Bizzare.

Well, they are out of my life now, so it's time to think about what comes next. I've got a few TV jobs coming up in Feb, so that should keep me ticking over in the meantime. I'm doing one commercial with a mega-famous pop star from SMAP too. It'll be the most I've ever gotten paid for one day's work. I deserve it, need it, will use it.

I was walking home the other day, and suddenly realised.... if I leave Japan, I won't be able to eat sushi (properly)... this shook me a bit. Not sure if I can leave Japan now. The food here is just so great. British food is so miserable... it makes me angry. Gastro pubs? Friking gastro pubs? Who the hell are these idiots. I went to one in London with Mickey O' last year... it was basically pub food, with herbs shucked on. Decorated with fancy names and dim lighting.
Don't get me wrong - there is plenty of good food in the UK. The problem is, if you go in a pub/restaurant/cafe and order food, 70% chance it will be merely adequate... it's like just producing the meal is the goal (on a large plate so that you can charge five quid for it). I worked in a pub. It was dreadful. Almost everything was frozen-->microwaved.
Am I being too cynical here? Am I looking at the UK through shit-tainted glasses?

Nyago on TV, Nov-Jan

I've been gradually stocking up my TV performances on the HDD recorder for awhile now, and with no more appearances scheduled for the near future, I thought it high time for this compilation.
I've been on Beat Takeshi's Unbelievable 4 times now... I must say, it is fun. I always laugh when I see myself on it. The ridiculousness of it all still isn't lost on me.



My acting career has been on a brief hiatus for the past month (Hence the large amount of free-time enabled posts recently). Indeed, I'll be teaching English to Tax Officers again for 4 days from tomorrow.

Until greater things appear, please enjoy the video.

This is the world we live in

And these are the hands we're given.

It's been a frustrating day.

My goal was to make a highlights reel for Youtube of all my extra roles from the past couple of months.

First, I deleted one of the best ones by accident. That made me angry.

Then, Windows Movie Maker decided not to cooperate. If you've never used WMM... don't! It is seriously bad software. So buggy. A pale imitation of iMovie, to be sure.

Anyway, I've put this video up for now. I'm not in it, but it is nonetheless pretty ridiculous. I decided not to translate it, as I'm sure that your furtive imaginations will come up with much better content.



This has inspired me to put together an article about novelty Japanese celebs, and how they get chained to a single image for the rest of their careers. Poor bastards. Eventually, they cease to be odd any more - just noticable.
Mum sometimes said that if you do a funny face and the wind changes direction, that face will stick forever. I think there's an analogy in there somewhere.
If anyone out there has any ideas for image gimmicks that can get me noticed in Japanese TV, I'll be glad to hear! :-P Extensive nose elongation surgery perhaps?

Nyago new release! 'Draw dros y mor'

Nobody said that making music was easy - thankfully, it is now in the hands of nerds

I was walking back from the video shop, and a new tune came in to my head.

It quickly took shape.

I could see:
It was going to be something special.

Sadly, that's not the same song that I have put together today - amongst all the hassle of setting up the keyboard, laying down drum beats etc, I'd quite forgotten what I intended to do. Damn it - must use the voice recorder on my phone in future! Even if I do look like a doink singing in the streets.

Anyway, I hope that you enjoy this song - 'Draw dros y mor' (Welsh for 'Over the sea'). It's quite notable for me in that;
It's my first song in months
It has my my first audio sample - the trains outside the apartment
It has voice samples from my favourite singer (me)
I did it in Welsh (current fad of mine)

Anyways, enough reading about it - go ahead and load it up in the Nyago music player on the right, and have a listen for yourselves. I think it's a bit too long myself again, and perhaps has too much going on at times.

You can download it here too (remember to right click->save link as);
Download Nyago: Draw Dros y Mor.mp3

He-man let's it all out

I rediscovered this classic vid on Youtube the other day. Any of you who haven't seen it yet - here's your chance to fill the darkness in your lives with dazzling light.



Surely this is proof - if ever it was needed - that people need an excess of free time if the world is to be a happy place. Bless all art degrees!

Japan radio forum

I'm quite chuffed with the little flash player that I've put up - it took quite a bit of work, but I'm looking forward to getting some good stuff on there. There are musicians in Japan too, you know. I haven't bought a non-Japanese CD now for aaaaaages. I'm not being snobbish - I'm just losing touch. For western music, Jonny is my ears.
I'll try and keep it varied.

You can post your opinions, requests, death threats etc here.

Yoroshiku onegaishimasu!

Nyago Music forum

This is the place to discuss music by Nyago, and the music player.
Please, be honest (^o^)v

Cymraeg yw iaeth yr ysgol hon

I was listening to 'Yr Atal Genhedlaeth' today for the first time in yonks. Yeh, it's still pretty good. Forget Stereophonics, MSP - SFA and Gorky's are, for me, the only succesful Welsh bands who both sound good and undeniably Welsh. Not just in accent; but in the very roots of their music. You listen to Gruff Rhys, and you get the feeling that he has been to Llangranog.

That's right - Japanese version, baby

Anyway, the album is also in Welsh. I don't get to hear or speak much Welsh anymore - it's more like some coherent dream.

There's no doubting though that Welsh sounds great in songs. Welsh is so much fun - so camp.
In any language, there are words that make you smile just by saying or hearing them. I would like to collect all of them, Pokemon style. I'm gonna start with some Welsh ones - feel free to add to the list.
I'm gonna cheat and use some phrases too.

Sbwrgi
Sgerbwd
Mor-ladron
Hyder
Ogof

I know that there are more - help me here, before they leave me for good

Capturing the essence of motion

I just got back from an audition for a motion-capture part in a video game. I can't give too much away of course, but I can say that it's for an RPG by one of the major Japanese software companies.
I was very impressed by the professionalism - the staff and studio were much more organised than anything I've seen so far in TV, commercials and films.

This is what motion capture work looks like -
not so different to a Saturday night out for me, then.

The audition was really fun - there were several different parts to try out, as well as some ad-lib sword fighting with a wooden kendo sword. Yeh, I kicked arse, of course. Need you even ask?
It would be real sweet if I could land this job - not only would the experience be ideal, but the money is also really good too. It will be hard though, as all the other actors there were pretty good, and much more experienced... let's hope that I have some raw talent hidden in there somewhere. I thought that I did particularly well doing my lizard-man walk.

The studio had a huge collection of fake weapons - guns, swords, bows - the lot. For one scene, we were going to use this huuuuge bad-ass sword, but it was too long for the poor girl... so we gave her a baton instead. For some reason, all the girls there were all really hot - isn't it irrelevant for motion capture anyway?!? Give the mingers a chance, for pity's sake.

I really need to penetrate through the scummy layer of TV acting that I've been doing - this kind of stuff is much more beneficial. I haven't heard from my voice-artist agency for a couple of months now, so it's been shitty job after shitty job.

It's time for some more 'Oomf'. It's time that they all realised that I AM A GOD!! Only then will I wear my Motion-Capture suit before the masses.